Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
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the greatest twitter interaction
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.