“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
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“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Bond. Trauma bond.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.