I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
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People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.