[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
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I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.