Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
White parent Vs Arab parents
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
bad
worse
worst
worchester
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
This a good idea
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have