It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
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Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth: