I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
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Donkey Kong sommelier
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
what’s more important?
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking