The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
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The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
being a writer on Twitter:
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes