I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
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[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
At least my masseuse has my back.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.