NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
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2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
couldn’t resist
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.