Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
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My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
How about daylight saves us for once
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Money is the root of all wealth
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Hitlers gonna hitl