You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
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REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Love this one 😂🧟
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us