I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
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Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.