People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
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One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.