Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
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My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Social distancing in Australia:
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.