you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
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If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?