[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
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I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there