Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
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Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Free him
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse