LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
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Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Damn what did I do next
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”