i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
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Them: You鈥檙e a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I鈥檓 hot?
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
me: I鈥檓 cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that鈥檚 what I鈥檓 trying to do.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 馃檨
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together