ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
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You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”