HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
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Good morning.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES