Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
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reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.