I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
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I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
me irl
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays