Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
You Might Also Like
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
pizza
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
the official breakfast of 2021
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!