Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
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I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Strangers have the best candy.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me