My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
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Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.