Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
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doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
a public service announcement
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has