How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
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I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.