You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
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My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.