Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
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Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]