If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
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“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.