Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
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My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.