Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
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Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Admin smashed it 😂
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.