Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
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When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV