At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
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[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing