Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
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WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?