How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
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ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Thrilling chase underway
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Any refunds available?…
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Autocorrect completely socks
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.