“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
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Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Worst Native American name ever.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean