PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
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“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name