If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
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me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
choose your fighter
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Me trying to reach for my goals
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.