every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
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Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.