Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
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This makes total sense…
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.