I never needed anything more in my life
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me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
never ask a starfish for directions
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food