A huge thanks to the person that did this
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Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me