When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
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I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
sugar glider wrangler
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*