The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
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Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode