[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
You Might Also Like
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
*skinny dips into black hole
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers