Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
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Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
I’m putting together a team
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF