*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
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To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Teach your children to beatbox
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)